You Don't Need to Feel Confident. You Need a Reason.

A lot of people come into my office waiting to feel confident.

They want to feel confident before they apply for the promotion, before they have the hard conversation, before they go back to the sport, before they start dating again, before they trust themselves after something terrible happened.

The initial plan is always the same. First I feel ready, then I act.

I understand the appeal. I've wanted it that way myself. It just rarely works in that order, in my office or in my own life.

Confidence is often fashionably late

Confidence is mostly a receipt. It's what you get after you've done something enough times that your nervous system stops treating it like an emergency.

Nobody feels confident the first time they do anything that matters. If they do, I'd gently suggest they might not be paying attention.

When I opened my private practice in 2015, I would not have described myself as very confident. I was a new mom, had just left my non-profit leadership position, had about $500 to my name and was googling "how to start an LLC". I had a single page of ripped out of the New Year's edition of Oprah magazine that said in big bold colorful letters, "Make It Happen" and tapped it on my fridge as a starting point. They do not teach therapists in graduate school how to start and run a business. I had no idea how it would pan out.

What I did have was a very clear reason.

I knew what kind of work I wanted to do and who I wanted to do it for, and that was enough to get me to the next step, and then the one after that. The confidence came later, sometime after I stopped checking for it.

What meaning does that confidence can't

Confidence is a feeling, and feelings move around. You can wake up with plenty of it and lose it by lunch because of one email.

Meaning is steadier. It answers a different question.

Confidence asks, "Am I sure this will go well?"

Meaning asks, "Does this matter to me enough to do it anyway?"

The second question is one you can actually answer even on a bad day.

The high-achieving clients I work with are often very good at performing confidence. They are executives, athletes, creatives, the first-born adult kids who had to figure everything out first. A lot of them were told at some point that they couldn't do something, and then went and did it, and did it well.

They can walk into a room and look completely fine. What wears them down usually isn't a lack of confidence. It's doing a great deal of hard things for reasons that stopped belonging to them a long time ago.

When trauma takes more than confidence

This matters even more after trauma. Trauma doesn't only rob you of confidence. It compromises you eagerness, interest, the part of you that used to look forward to things.

For some people it even leaves behind a fear of success, because doing well now feels like having more to lose. People often tell me they don't recognize themselves anymore. They used to be the steady one, the person who could push through anything on willpower, and now that mind-over-matter skill isn't there when they reach for it.

There is no single shape trauma has to take.

Sometimes it's something out of the blue: an accident, a loss, an injury or illness, a phone call you never saw coming. Other times it's the stacked effect of smaller hurts over years, death by a thousand papercuts. Both count, and both can leave you wondering where the person you used to be went. Some reshape who you are entirely.

In intensive EMDR work, we spend real time on what happened. We connect the dots, like a detective with photos and red string all over the wall. We also spend time on what still matters to you, because that's often the thread people follow back.

Maybe it's learning to live your life after someone has died. Maybe it's driving after an accident, slowing down, managing a chronic illness, speaking up, or competing again. Any of those might feel shaky right now. You might still very much want to get your kid to school, close the deal, publish the book, release the album, or finish the season. You might want to be the kind of person who doesn't let one awful day decide everything. That wanting counts. It's often the first thing that comes back online.

Questions I'd ask you in session

What would I do this week if I didn't need to feel sure first? Keep it small. One email, one phone call, one practice session. Certainty usually shows up after the first step, not before it.

Who or what is this actually for? Your kids, your team, your fans, your partner, the version of you who started this, the person you lost. When the reason has a face or a name, it's a lot easier to keep going on the days you don't feel like it.

Is the reason I'm pushing still mine, or did I inherit it? A lot of high achievers are still running on goals someone else set years ago: a parent, a coach, a first boss. Some of those are worth keeping. Some can go.

What would I regret not trying, even if it went badly? Failing at something you cared about stings. Never finding out tends to stick around a lot longer.

You don't need great answers. Honest ones work better. And if you can't answer them at all right now, that tells you something too. It may mean something underneath needs attention first.

Bottom line

You can be nervous and still make a chouce. You can doubt yourself and still be the right person for the job. You can take rest and still be a beast in the boadroom.

Confidence is nice when it shows up, but it's a terrible thing to wait on.

Find the reason. Let the confidence catch up.

If you're ready to look at what's been getting in your way, I offer EMDR intensives in person in East Hampton, CT, and online. You can schedule a 45-minute consultation here.